I’m getting an eerie deja vu experience as we move towards the election. I remember one of the big reasons many people cited for voting for Bush was that “he seemed like he would be a good guy to have a beer with”. Now I am hearing the same chatter for Sarah Palin. “Seems like one of us”, many people are saying. “I bet she’d be great to have a beer with”. Palin likes to hunt and fish and hang out with the boys and be a regular person.
Could this be a valid criteria for major political office? Could a candidate’s accessibility and love of Budweiser be a valid indicator of their suitability to run the country? Well, even though it didn’t work so well in Bush’s case, I decided to give it some thought. If I could have a beer with anyone, who would it be? And accordingly, would they make a great Vice President and potentially President? Using this selection technique, here are a few of my thoughts on candidates John McCain probably should have considered:
Kid Rock. I don’t know why, but I always thought Kid Rock would be an interesting guy to have a beer with. I can’t say I’m technically a fan, but somehow one of his albums ended up on my iPod (my advice – don’t drink and cruise iTunes), and in terms of a guy that could tell great stories in a bar I think he would rank right up there. A few years ago I stayed at a resort in Hawaii where he and Pamela Anderson were also staying, and you couldn’t help admire the guy when you saw him and a bikini-clad Anderson at the pool every day. A skinny, scruffy dude that wears a pork pie hat to the beach and can still score Pamela Anderson definitely has some game! While Kid Rock in the White House would certainly up the hotness quotient of First Ladies and political affairs, he does have other qualifications for higher office. A proper Republican candidate should be hot for Jesus too. Kid Rock’s first album to go #1 was Rock N Roll Jesus in 2007. A good candidate should also support our troops. Kid Rock just wrote and performed a new song for a National Guard commercial, and he has performed at USO shows! And the Republican party really admires tough no-nonsense people that say scary and threatening things to our enemies and pledge to destroy them if they screw with us. Kid Rock doesn’t just threaten – he kicks some ass! In 2007 he was arrested in Atlanta after a big fight in a Waffle House, and he has also been cited for assaulting Tommy Lee and a DJ in a strip club! Waffle Houses, The MTV Awards, strip clubs……. if some ass needs whooping Kid Rock doesn’t care where he has to go – he’s up for the job!
My Brother-In-Laws. If Kid Rock was not available (or Pamela Anderson), I would like to have a beer with my brother-in-laws. My brother-in-law Gil is a great guy to drink with, and in many ways is a much better candidate than Palin. Like Sarah, he comes from an isolated and sparsely populated (sometimes inbred) place that has little contact with the rest of the world (Montana), and he has a lot of kids that tend to stay near home. In terms of “love of guns” and pure toughness, I would take him over Palin any day. I have seen him leap off a horse to grab and kill a rattlesnake with his bare hands, and I once saw him shoot a coyote running at full speed from 150 yards. There is always a rifle or two rattling around in his truck, and he has been to Canada, Mexico, and Europe – so he has far more international experience than Palin.
My brother-in-law Don is also a great guy to “get your beer on” with, and could potentially be qualified for the VP position. He is very social and naturally likeable. Like many Republicans, he suffers from a split personality that makes him a great candidate. A former biker that believes in absolute personal liberty, low taxes, and minimal government – he has still fervently supported the Bill O’Reilly party that promotes strip searching American citizens, the abolition of many personal rights, and the biggest deficit in history! Now I don’t know this for a fact, but I bet that Sarah Palin has a tattoo or two (I hope somebody asks about this in the debates.) Although I don’t have any ink, I think tattoos are really American – and if they are a sign of patriotism, then Don is the most American guy around! His body is covered! Don is also whiz with his hands. He could rebuild and repaint Air Force One, and install a new fireplace and gardens in the White House.
Of course, there are those that would argue likability, love of Jesus, guns, and hop-flavored water should not be the primary qualifiers to potentially be the most powerful person in the world. Perhaps we should have the smartest, most qualified person – regardless of how much fun they would be at an Allman Brother’s concert?