On a recent cruise to Bermuda I had an epiphany: I shall become the next and best “Reality Star Diet Guru” with a show on “E!” produced by that great entertainer who cannot act, sing, model, dance, paint, play or make me laugh, the mysteriously magnificent — Ryan Seacrest. The idea came to me on the ship because I watched a fair amount ofthe Kardashian shows while simultaneously witnessing a feeding frenzy at the ship’s buffet lines. Now don’t scoff! If Chloe, Kimmy and Kourt can make money chronicling the least talented existences on the planet, I should become a giant in the industry. No? Well keep your negativity to yourself and help me out. I need an agent, a manager, a personal shopper and a detoxifing spa so that I can adequately prepare to navigate through the shark tank of Ryan Seacrest’s vast empire.
Now while it is true that I have no background in the science of nutrition, physiology, or general medicine , I have lost a fair amount of weight over the past three years, and I figure I have the Guru thing down because I am friends with the Dalai Lama on Facebook. I have something that all other diet gurus don’t have, however, I know the joy of finding a
three day old egg roll in the fridge….and then finding the duck sauce….ahhhh. I’ll bet these other diet gurus don’t have 9 pizza joints in their cell phone “favorites” lists the way that I used to, In my past I may have a hard time getting my kids to answer their cell phones, but I could do my worrying about them with a three pound cheese pizza delivered
“fast and fresh” by my bestie, Sergei. Plus, I just told you: I was on a cruise ship
from Boston to Bermuda and now know all of the ways of the American soft footed
Oh, pipe down, it needed to be said, I’ve got a book to sell….from the moment we set sail it was like watching the sperm whale migration to the Arctic for summer feeding…..very slow, deliberate movements until they get to the food source…then it’s all frothy water, groans of pleasure and lots of biological waste everywhere…..the key difference was that the sperm whales eat very few cinnamon buns and if they did they wouldn’t spend every non eating moment of the day lamenting the fact that they did. They way these people avoided the salad bar reminded me of the way that my dog can devour her food and somehow always manage NOT to eat the damned medicine I put into the bowl. That one little tablet sits there every time licked clean ( I’m convinced that the dog is deliberately screwing with me by the way)….I learned that people on cruise ships do the same thing, devouring entire bowls of potato salad, mounds of mashed potatoes and bacon bits but somehow manage to come away without a hint that there was a salad bar. I’m convinced that they have to put the hamburger station on both sides of the ship because of fears of capsizing the vessel. So this got me to think: how could I capitalize, err I mean save, millions of Americans from themselves?
I recently watched a sales pitch/lecture by Dr. Joel Fuhrman, on our local PBS station, and it occurred to me that he is probably right in his approach to foods with high nutritional content and little animal fat or protein. But I think that the average person is going to have a hard time going from Big Macs to kale smoothies (you need to add some juice because apparently kale has wonderful throat clotting qualities when blended with almond milk by the way), plus this diet is super expensive and shopping takes a week with all of the label reading and comparative analysis. I am not being critical of Dr. Fuhrman, as I bought his book (“Eat to Live”) and follow his advice religiously….I just think its downright dangerous to introduce all that fiber to people who have packed themselves full of French fries and pulled pork for decades.
So I asked myself why can’t I tweak things a bit and become a Diet Guru like Dr. Joel Fuhrman and the legions of others like him. So as I pondered my mid-life career change, and the gagging sensation caused by a large chunk of partially blended banana and kale which was quickly solidifying in my mouth the way that fast curing hydraulic cement does, I came up with something of a loose business plan. I will sell to you, my adoring public, wisdom and then I will sit back and wait for the offer from Ryan. If things go as planned I’ll be having my teeth capped before Halloween…..as you folks morph into world class triathaletes.
But I have a problem, I probably need to do come up with a diet and a business plan in order to sell my diet and then to be recognized as a legitimate “Reality Star Diet Guru” so that Ryan Seacrest can justify the large advance, and all of the pre-production investment my new show will require. So I need an actual diet and some ability to convince you good people to buy it. I’m thinking I should have a catchy name for the diet and then an even catchier tag line, you know something that the marketing types could put to music so that all America can hum me right onto easy street. So let’s start with the name.
Initially I tried this:
“The Eat To Not Die Of Type II Diabetes Diet”
I know it’s good, but it has a sort of negative vibe. Then I thought let’s lighten it up….
“You and Your Impacted Colon: A love story”
Nah, informative but just a bit too confusing….so I’ve
settled on this one:
“The Put Down The Fork You Fat Bastard Diet” It’s short, direct
and let’s face it, brilliant! Eureka!
Now I need a nice tag line that can be jingleized and hopefully sung by Kathy Lee or if I’m really lucky Celine….if only to dream. So I’ve come up with some equally brilliant ideas for a catchy tag line, like….
You need to buy the “Put Down The Fork You Fat Bastard Diet” if you have been invited to the pizza delivery guy’s wedding.
You need to buy the “Put Down The Fork You Fat Bastard Diet” if you have
your own airplane seat belt extender.
You need to buy the “Put Down The Fork You Fat Bastard” if you routinely
find Sugar Babies stuck in the gap in your back teeth..
I think I like the first one, but maybe we should think on this a bit and get to putting down the nuts and bolts of the “Put Down The Fork You Fat Bastard Diet”. Of course you’ll need to buy the “Put Down The Fork You Fat Bastard” blender, scale, tee shirts and diet supplements….but trust me, this is going to be great. I’m going to love Malibu…..
I probably shouldn’t do this in this forum, (I’m afraid the Editor might steal my idea), but here’s my diet which you can buy for three easy payments of $39.95, (plus a small shipping charge) and because this is your lucky day, if you’re one of the first 20 people to call I’ll through in beautiful grooming kit which is a $29.95 value. Sounds good already doesn’t it? Ready? Make sure you’re serious now…. Here it is…
DOWN THE FORK YOU FAT BASTARD!
Good luck, and Ryan I’m available to take a meeting with you anytime, call me….soon, I hear that Mark Cuban might be looking for new talent also.